Anxiety - beat the shit out of it!

How do I feel? I feel different. I feel like the world has skipped a few week’s and I am playing catch up. All my plans are now uncertain, I’m not sure what to do with myself. As people go about their busy lives I feel stuck in the house, almost reclusive.  I’ve always suffered with anxiety and panic attacks but I started to do really well at controlling it and if it flared up, I managed it well. I had my anxiety tool kit and I’d root around until I found something that worked.  What I had forgotten was that when my anxiety is really bad, as a result of some kind of trauma this tool kit is useless to me. Because then a depression sets in, a sense of hopelessness that stops me from being able to do anything. I just sit with it and let the anxiety take over and I feel unwell. Every ache, tingle, niggle or pain sets me into a panic...what is it? Is it the cancer? Has it spread? Is it calcium...am I having a heart attack? Will I crash? Have I got kidney failure? Each day felt like a trap and anxiety was holding me captive.

I visited the ward again on Saturday and my best friend Phoebe yet again drove me and sat with me whilst I waited for my blood test results. I’m sure the staff think she is my wife!! We caught up with Margot who walked down to say hi, proudly displaying another dish cloth on her head. She looked brighter and much more mobile, she was happy living on the ward and told me she didn’t want to go home. She makes me emotional and also sad that life can end up like that. I think this lady was a teacher, she was very clearly smart and strong and independent but now so vulnerable, confused and frightened and into really weird headgear! 

The consultant phoned me, I could go home. My calcium level was good and there had been much discussion about my case. It looked like a teeny, tiny blood clot had disrupted the blood flow to my parathyroid’s. There was activity there, they were alive but also seriously messed up by the surgery. It was a plausible theory and explained why I had crashed so quickly. I needed to try and calm down and focus now on Lily’s birthday. So Phoebe drove me home and I threw myself into birthday prep, pinning up banners, arranging gifts and stuffing a piñata. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through a child’s birthday, trying to make it as normal as possible for Lily and staying vertical throughout the day. Just the prep was exhausting and I worried I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I guess I’m stronger than I think I am because I needn’t have worried, once again people helped, people distracted me and the kids were just fabulous little human beings! I dived in and decided to just enjoy myself despite feeling like I was spaced out and living on another planet. I ate cake, drank tea and made pizza. We beat the shit out of that piñata and as exhausted as I was at the end of it all, I felt OK...I caught a glimpse of myself again and now I think I can do this, I think I can catch up again.