Seeking Normality

As I sit here thinking about what I want to write, I am exactly two weeks’ away from starting my treatment.  I feel OK about it, I just want to get it over and done with now. I’ve been so tired lately that the thought of spending the day being able to take a nap when I want to is actually appealing.  The tiredness is frustrating though, there are so many things that I want to do but whether I can do them all depends on how I feel when I wake up and whether that morning hit of caffeine is going to carry me through.

I’ve started to think about exercise again, I have a bit of a love hate relationship with exercise.  I get bored easily and I’m definitely not one to hit the gym ever since I skidded off a treadmill, if you’ve ever seen the Amarillo video with Peter Kay when Ronnie Corbett shot off the treadmill...well that would be me...I am Ronnie Corbett! So last week I was sat on a deckchair at a kids party watching Lily and my oldest friend Becky bouncing around on a giant bouncy castle when a text came through from my friend Joanne simply saying “Pilates?” Part of me felt a sense of fear and the other excitement...I genuinely did miss Pilates Sundays but I was a little afraid to go. Whilst you may think well it’s just Pilates and you’re just lying on a mat for an hour, I have to correct you that it’s not just Pilates...firstly it hurts, secondly there’s a lot of neck twisting and I still look like one of the victims from Line of Duty, thirdly it starts early in the morning and currently I feel like the Walking Dead at that time on a Sunday.  But the appeal of getting my normal Sunday morning back and doing something for myself that may actually be beneficial outweighed my worries about going back.  I felt that I had to do this, it would be a step in the right direction.

I psyched myself up to go and then couldn’t book on, the class was full but by feeling this disappointment I knew that I was ready to go back. About an hour before class started a slot appeared and I quickly booked myself in, texted Joanne and managed to get ready in half an hour. This was an added bonus as I didn’t even have time to think about it.  Before I knew it I was running across the car park (yes running!) to Joanne and she had me updated on the Pilates gossip by the time I reached the studio. I threw down my mat and watched as familiar faces filled up the designated spaces.  Thanks to Covid we now get a luxury taped off designated space and I LOVE it, ever since Joanne was slapped in the face by a foot and I ended up accidentally holding hands with a lady next to me (awkward!) this new set-up suits me. Our teacher Matthew arrived and I tip-toed over to tell him about my neck...I was still wearing my ‘handy band’ around my neck like a scarf as I still wasn’t brave enough to take it off.  Matthew just smiled and said “OK! No problem” like I was totally overreacting.

Matthew’s a great Pilates Teacher and I love his classes but I cannot look at Joanne when he starts the class as he starts to use his Pilates voice, I can only describe it as Matthew walked into the room and was suddenly replaced by Lloyd Grossman. If he says “Puuuuuubic booooone” I lose it.  It was so good to be back despite my audible creaky bones.

Here’s the thing, Joanne and I do our Pilates and then we go to Costa and drink coffee and eat cake, which totally goes against everything we are trying to do by attending Pilates and honestly I just don’t care. We sat outside drinking what sounded like a healthy coffee with added vitamins and eating toast. We catch up about our week, things that we are happy about, things that are pissing us off and we help each other to work through our problems. Then we talk about our Pilates class, who annoys us, who we can’t stop staring at and the man that pulls a sex face when he does Cat/Cow. This routine on a Sunday morning really helps me mentally and going back and finding out that I was absolutely fine and could still do most of the class made a big difference to how I felt.  My energy levels were back, I felt happier, less anxious and I managed to run up two flights of stairs and not feel like I needed a lie down when I got to the top. I think even Janne could see the difference as I bounced around the kitchen telling him all about it, chatting non-stop (that could’ve been my coffee!”) It was the push I needed to start moving more, yes I felt tired and ached the next day, but it was a good ache and worth it as I felt happier knowing that this dickhead (Cancer) wasn’t going to win because my body was still strong and resilient, I honestly thought I would spend the entire session just lying on my mat, but I didn’t...finally some normality has resumed and I’m going to keep going.