Meltdown

Up until now I think I’ve done OK. I’ve felt that I had a grip on everything and then it took just one silly thing to tip me over the edge and for everything to come crashing down. I’ve felt my anxiety getting worse over the past week and perhaps knew it was coming, to be honest I’ve done well to get this far. I’ve been isolating all weekend ready for my surgery tomorrow and I was making pancakes at the time and having a conversation with a friend. I could feel myself getting teary-eyed and then I looked at Janne and that was it, I cried all morning stopping only to eat my pancakes (well of course, pancakes are a priority). To add to it, Lily refused to get dressed that morning and instead stripped off and hid in her bed, after she had thrown her clothes around the room. So, I put myself on the naughty step, I told my friend I was upset and I sat and cried.  I don’t think that this is a bad thing because I think sometimes you have to do this.

I felt angry at everything, not just at what has been happening this year but everything! I saw Janne’s music magazines in the spare bedroom, piled high and I was angry. Bob Dylan's face made me angry! The ironing pile made me angry, Cerys Matthew’s was on the radio and her voice was making me angry...do you get the picture now? Henry Cavill could have turned up and I would have been angry! Except actually I wouldn’t...I would have sobbed into his chest. I felt like I was losing my grip and I just needed somebody to step in and sort all this shit out. I think even as adults sometimes we need somebody to take our hand and tell us that it’s all going to be OK, just like our parent’s would have done when things got difficult, just because we are adults doesn’t mean we don’t still feel afraid or lost.

Lily eventually emerged sheepishly from her room, she had dressed herself. She had selected the brightest, stripy rainbow leggings and teamed them with a dusky pink dress covered in gigantic flowers. She had then completed the look with a sparkly bracelet and shiny beads. She couldn’t decide on which headband to wear so she chose both, one with a teal bow and the other silver and shiny. She held her nose in the air and declared she had dressed herself before descending downstairs. If I’d had my way I would have gone back to bed and hid but that’s not a solution is it? I took a deep breath, went downstairs and made myself a cup of tea, tea solves everything. Lily and Janne went for a walk whilst I got a grip and by the time they got back I was starting to feel like myself again. For Lily it was like nothing had happened, she ran in and handed me a bunch of dandelions and yellow poppies and gave me a hug. We snuggled up and watched “Zombies” together...it will fry your brain if you haven’t seen it but right then in that moment that was all I needed, crappy TV, tea and unconditional love.  Sometimes a meltdown is a way of saying “I’m not OK right now and I just need you to be there for me, I need you to hold my hand...and I need you to bring me chocolate” and that’s OK.