Squaring up to Cancer

I got up the next day after my diagnosis and I did what I always do in a crisis…I went shopping! For some reason in my head, I felt that I needed to get organised and that meant picking up a few things for Lily’s birthday…even though it was over a month away. I felt like I needed to take control and that time out was what I needed to put things in perspective and have a think.  I decided I needed to square up to Cancer, it had done nothing, but cause hurt in my family and I wasn’t going to let it get to us again. 

I needed to get my head straight to be able to deal with it all and whilst I was driving to the shopping centre it hit me…I was OK.  All of this was OK, I was still functioning and could still get up in the morning and I still had to do that for my family, for Lily.  So, I told myself this:

1. In theory…I don’t have Cancer anymore.  I had it and I didn’t even know I had it and now it’s been removed.

2. I am halfway through this…we are not at the beginning.

3. We now have a clear plan and all I have to do is show up.

4. The Radioiodine means a 3-5 day stay in my own room at the hospital, I am going to treat this as a mini-break and the chance to nap. 

5. “I have Cancer” could now be my excuse for not cleaning the bathroom, not emptying the dishwasher, not vacuuming the car out, eating more than my fair share of chocolate and booking a spa weekend.

Either way, I focused on the first 3 I had mentally listed and this really helped to get my head around things and to stay positive.  With this positivity came better wellbeing, the ability to sleep and the strength to cope.  Sleep is my main thing, if I don’t sleep and I am tired my mental wellness fails and then so does the ability to cope.  I knew I needed to take care of myself and continue to do the things that help me to stay well like eating the right food, exercising, seeing my friends and being outside, that and nurturing weeds.  These things have kept me sane.  For the first few days I felt like my world had stopped but everyone else was carrying on whilst I struggled.  I would get overwhelming waves of anxiety as I remembered what I was dealing with to the point that I couldn’t catch my breath at times. In these times I had to stop and take a deep breath, refocus, and remind myself of points 1, 2 and 3, take some time out and be kind to myself.  Some days this was sitting in the garden and other days it was walking in the trees with my friend, eating pancakes, painting rocks with Lily, visiting a book shop, meeting friends for breakfast, chasing unruly children down the road with Phoebe (and then rewarding ourselves with coffee and cake) and watching Line of Duty!  Whatever it took to get through this I was finding that it was the simple things that were getting me through, and those waves of anxiety started to appear less, and I could breathe again.