Hocus Pocus, Sigourney and my first ride in an ambulance.

I talked about that feeling of being left alone when you get the all clear, the battle has been won and you’re OK.  To be honest I think I was one of those people that went away…I stopped taking care of myself, suppressed all my feelings and tried to keep myself ridiculously busy to take my mind off things.  This is not the solution I have found. 

I tried to blog about something that happened to me in the hospital, I have mentioned it before…I think it was the blog post that went something like “Surgery and the bed of wee.” Whilst I may have poked fun at it, I didn’t realise just what an impact it had on me and to be straight to the point it scared the shit out of me! Stupidly, I tried to research the condition that potentially I have been left with Hypoparathyroidism. Google it, I’m not explaining it because it scares me. I entered a site that supports people with this horrible disease and whilst sometimes it can be helpful to read other people’s stories…in this case it didn’t. There is nothing good about Hypoparathyroidism…I am still at a stage where we don’t know for sure if I will have this for life and reading the stories just brought back all of the trauma. By bedtime I was having a full-blown panic attack, which caused me to lose my sight temporarily and be blue lighted to hospital...cue major curtain twitching, I’m surprised I didn’t turn up in the village news.

That night I sat in A&E alone waiting to be seen and not knowing what the hell was happening to me. It was pointless…my bloods, obs and ECG all came back normal. The Doctor didn’t want to know and when I broke down and said I couldn’t cope he just smiled and said, “well then see your GP.”  By this time, it was 3am and I was sent out into the night to find my way home. Thank God for my best friend…she has been my saviour in all of this and insisted I call her so she could come and get me, which she did.  She and Janne ran my world for the next two days, planning how to get Lily to school and back and forcing me to sleep and not think about anything else. Janne took me back to the GP and my Cancer Nurse got in touch and took over setting things right.  Maybe this event was what was needed to make me wake up and see that I needed to deal with the trauma not hide it away, that I needed to start looking after myself. I didn’t have to be alone; the battle was won but now it was time to recover and stop pretending that I was fine and didn’t need any help. People aren’t mind readers, are they? 

The paramedics were two middle-aged guys that were bloody incredible, and because they took me seriously and didn’t stigmatise my mental health, I am here one week later, feeling stronger and hopeful that I am getting the help that I need. They could have just left me that night, but they didn’t, and they encouraged me to get treated for what they believed could be PTSD. They sat with me for ages all the while observing me, monitoring me, and calming me down by telling me where to get the best Samosa’s in town, how to tell the difference between a Barnsley and Sheffield accent and filling me in on the number of pork shops opening in an awkward part of town…by pork shops they did mean butchers by the way! 

After all this I am now trying to slow down and heal.  I slept a lot this weekend, I did a meditation that sent me into such a deep sleep that I woke up minus some of my anxiety symptoms (I’ve included the link…don’t let the voice put you off!) I started reading a book and took some time for myself, which I am working really hard on not feeling guilty about.  

I’m now trying to focus on the positives of this month.  I’ve been trying to work through the Happiness Calendar (link below) this month’s is Optimistic October…which is probably perfect for me right now. I try to complete the activity it suggests, which hasn’t been too difficult. But mainly I am getting excited about Halloween. I LOVE it! Already there’s a buzz in the air about parties and events, I’m so glad Lily shares my enthusiasm. We are huge Hocus Pocus fans and figured we could pull off the Sanderson Sisters this year if I dressed up as Mary, Lily as Sarah and our dog Timmy would have to be Winifred…somehow…he’s the right colour and has the same temperament! If not, I’ve decided to keep it simple and just go as Sigourney Weaver…simple is good, I don’t need any more trauma in my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG54tddCBaA

https://www.actionforhappiness.org/optimistic-october